I went from my childhood Paradise to an adolescent Never Never Land. I was named after Wendy from Peter Pan. Peter's Wendy was nurturing, selfless and told great stories to her brothers and the lost boys. I identified with her. But I was intrigued with Tinker Bell and her spunky attitude. Tink could be helpful and kind but she was also feisty, ill behaved, hot tempered and vindictive. She was fearless and independent. Tink's willingness to put Wendy's life in danger was intriguingly naughty. She didn't care about being good, she wanted Peter all to herself and was willing to do what she had to do — kill Wendy! What wonderful fun!
Disney's 1953 version of Barry's Peter Pan creates a poignant scene when Wendy has a realization. From behind a teepee, Wendy holds firewood watching Peter, Princess Tiger Lily and the community celebrate Tiger Lily's brave rescue by Peter Pan. All Wendy's devotion to Peter is for naught as she stands in the shadows caretaking and watching not participating. She realizes she will always be on the sideline of Peter's heart. The scene sparked interest in the princess inside me and she silently wondered: is it possible that all the goodness and nurturing in the world will not bring true love and happiness?
As an adult, I understand my princess role helped me to navigate through childhood. I understand now some of my feelings and behaviors. Being an observer of my needs and wishes instead of an eager nurturer of my desires has a context. But I no longer want to be the perpetual nurturer and caregiver who stands on the sidelines, excluded from life's celebrations and joy. It's tough work being in the middle of the sandwich generation — raising a child and overseeing the care of an elderly mother. But the question begs for an answer: how can I balance the nurturing role of my name sake with fulfilling selfish needs and wishes? When can I explore, develop and enjoy my own unique self? How could I find time to enjoy my art?
