Fighting demons continued after I married and had my son, but their nature changed. My first new demon was time. When my son was a toddler and my creative energy was still strong, I tried to work while he napped. The challenge was that he never slept for more than twenty minutes unless he was sick. Once, when he was ill, I had the opportunity to really work. But I was still engrossed in my project when he awoke. He wrapped himself around my leg to get my attention, but I was so frustrated at being interrupted that I started to scream. In response, he screamed. His outrage was louder than mine and more poignant. Whereas he inconvenience me, I, however briefly, had abandoned him. It was a sobering experience. I had to choose, art or my child. My son won. And by doing so I got further and further away from a regular work schedule.
My second demon was resistance. Even when there were opportunities to work I resisted the impulse, sometimes vehemently. While my son was young it was easy to avoid painting by engrossing myself in motherhood and home-making. I loved being a mother of a young child and have no regrets about the limited time with my painting and drawing. Home-making had its own creative aspects into which I redirected my creative needs. It was important to me to create a living space that was organized and aesthetically pleasing. As a matter of fact, it was essential.
My third demon was rejection. There were times when I simply couldn’t face my shadow side for another moment. Since my studio was in the basement of my home, I believe I had to offset creative darkness with beauty and light in my living space. Except for occasional spurts of creativity, I put my artwork on hold and concentrated on home-making while my son was growing up. But when I was faced with an empty nest, I was also faced with empty canvases. I really thought the joy of creating would out-weigh the angst when time became available, but it hasn’t. Unknown demons still exist.
