Part 2: Temptations

About Wendy

God Doesn't Love Me
two eggs in their shadowdark face, purple bodice, black skirt, dark blue legs, outstretched arms, standing on a black line

In graduate school, eggs were used as models. From these the female torso would eventually emerge, but initially the eggs represented just eggs. They would have to be whole eggs fresh out of the carton, not hard-boiled or empty of yolks and whites. I would put them under an overstuffed chair and shine lights on them to create highlights and shadows. I drew frantically and loved having the drawings wallpaper my whole bedroom. I began seeing and experiencing myself as I never allowed myself to see or experience before. The bold and dramatic drawings reflected an inner world of unbridled energy — free and alive.

The egg images morphed into little girls or princesses trapped in a box. The trapped person inside of me became visible, and I realized I had been suffocating. I began to understand there was another me waiting, longing, demanding to be free.

I didn't understand why I had been trapped inside my own body.  I remembered times when, in fits of frustration and anger, I would scream at Mom, "God doesn't love me!"  She thought I was being ridiculous, but I Ibelieved the reason I felt trapped was because God had abandoned me. It now makes sense to me, when I allowed myself to creatively express alive and free energy that the opposite, rage and depression would also surface. These dark emotions took advantage of my artistic venue to be visable. It was essential the dark drawings have light in them even if it was only a strip. I was keenly aware that without the light cutting through their darkness i would have been suicidal. Light was my hope that God loved me and hadn't abandoned me. Light was my hope for redemption.

Next Chapter >

website by kingcow